lombardyn

02:10 am: Failure, Part 2
recent weeks have been rather...interesting I must say, medication's keeping me at a stable level so far. But then there are days like today, where that little voice comes back, circling in my head. "Failure...failure failure failure." And no matter what I do, it keeps lingering there, making me question every action, making me sitting here, doing nothing but stare at a blank screen. It's a day I should just go to bed and fast forward another day, but it has started out with me staying in bed until almost 5 in the afternoon. Waking up only twice, wondering what the purpose of getting up was anyways. And now...alone, awake. I should go and cuddle up to Vee, but I failed at repairing my side of the bed, and I don't want to wake him up. Not to mention that laying there, staring at him in the dark would just make me ponder more of the ways I've failed him this time. *le sigh*
Guess just time to go curl up on the couch and watch random crap until I'm tired enough to sleep. Or it's time to get up and go along with my day again. Whatever comes first.


*end of absolutely clichee LJ entry*

10:06 am: Failure
So, weekend.

 

I didn't draw a thing. I didn't clean the bathroom, I didn't  clean the living room. I didn't cook, I didn't read. I failed to play WoW with my mate, I barely paid attention to him being sick. I didn't have sex with him, I didn't bring down the trash, I didn't finish my financial report which was due last wednesday. I wasted half a day sorting through FA, a pointless hobby as I can't even remember when I last jerked off to furry porn. The whole weekend gone, and I failed at every last point that I had planned.
It really makes me wonder why my friend is still around. How can a person endure someone like me for more than a week? I don't know.
 

06:19 am: Relationships
It's odd, when you're friends with a couple, and that couple breaks up. Suddenly they start splitting friends into "mine" and "yours", and somehow I always end up on the 'yours' pile of both persons. So both stop talking.
Maybe I should just not talk to that many 'happy' furry couples :P

05:32 pm: No man...
No man's an island. But one can at least aim to be a peninsula.

05:05 pm: To alleviate slightly for the constant stream of more or less uncontexted whining I guess I'll try to make a more coherent post for once. Rest assured, it will still contain the usual amount of whining that makes Livejournal so great. (On the other hand, LJ has alwaYS been a place for people to post their personal thoughts and ideas. Considering that it's seen impolite to talk about such things in public (or to others) except for very close friends, I still find it amazing how many people are surprised about people actually using their personal space to vent a bit. but I digress.) On to my life. Let's start with...



Drawing

Ah, my good old nemesis, drawing. I still find myself at the impass I have going on since a few months (or has it been years already?), the act of drawing being burdened with so much frustration and expectations that I don't even bother to pick up a pencil (or since a while the tablet pen. Which sits there, mocking me about having cost me a good 350€ and having been used...5 times up till now. That's 50€ per picture). I thought getting rid of all the requests I had stacked up over the years would help me, but I found myself still in the same position as before, even a mention of drawing would raise the head of half my chatlist, asking me with shimmering eyes if I might maybe...  . Furthermore, and this without the intent of hurting or putting blame, it's very difficult with Vee. I know he tries to be supportive, keep back all his negative emotions he has towards me drawing (except for hi), but in the end it's still blocking me quite a bit. Looking back at my gallery a few days ago I realized that with very few exceptions all of my recent uploads were either done for him, or colored due to a request by him. I know it's somewhat expected of artists to include their mates in their artwork, but when it comes to a degree where it's either "Him or no one" I don't know how to proceed. Maybe it's just one of those things better given up for the sake of a relationship, same as roleplaying or listening to music. Which brings me to...


Relationship

Once again in my life I seem to fail at everything excepted from me. Opposite to the average furry couple we're still going strong after five years (which, for a furry relationship, is eternity). I find relationship to be much like a good wine (or any other metapher that might come to your mind that sounds both kitschy and outdated), getting better the longer it lasts. Sure, there are the occasional quarrels and bitching around, the communication department works as good as a direct phone line between the KGB and the FBI, and some topics are handled with a 'don't ask don't tell' tag, but all in all I still love my mate, and with every day a bit more.



Health

Oddly enough, not so good. I should still seek treatment for depression if I would ever be able to fit it into my schedule, since my moods have been going rather down than up more often than not in the past months. It's a strain on Vee, which I greatly regret for seeing him suffer every time I have a bout of rage about some dumb little idiocy that others wouldn't even notice, or if I sulk the whole evening away with doing nothing. Mostly it's the "Don't tell anyone your problems, don't admit problems, and most important, don't ask anyone else for help" philosophy I had to work with since I was in school (and afterwards) that's really blocking me. Ah well. Someday.

That aside, knees are real bitches recently, and every single day at work I am reminded what a big fat guy I am, and my knees are not very forgiving about that. Dizzyness is still there every time I stand up (which is bad in a job that keeps you standing for eight hours straight), but I don't really want to bother going to the doctor again just to be told to eat oats and milk for breakfest instead of toast. Woop de doo. As for weight, I was rather surprised to find out that apparently I haven't gained a single kilo in the past two years, or maybe gained and lost them again. It's still way too much (which I hurtfully had to realize when my beloved office chair literally broke down beneath me. Solid metal. Broken. (which might as well be accounted for by the fact that I tend to teeter my leg up and down every time I sit. Add that to five years and it adds quite a strain on the strongest material) ) but with my current work I just don't have the energy left to go working out after eight hours of shouting, standing, walking and running. Good lead up to the last point, ...


Work

Work has been going really well, which is, amazingly enough, not too good of a thing. While I don't have high illusions about being very popular among my coworkers due to my rather weird humor, people seem to like the work I do, my boss confides informations in me he won't tell half the staff, and just today the Job Center's team leader (the one responsible for coordination between employees and security force) told him that he prefers me when it comes to dealing with problems when my boss is not around. I wager if I put some energy into it I could be an object leader by the end of the year.
Which is not what I want. In fact, this job makes me miserable, and I hate having to scream at people every day, listen to their insults and their whining, act like an asshole towards people I would love to help but can't without losing my job. My legs hurt, my back aches, and the commute takes an hour each direction. It's neither the job I wanted nor one I want to keep forever. The reason I still have it? Every time I think about it, I have the "Vee organized this for you. He paid for the education course, he arranged the interview, he helped you with every single fucking step, so stop complaining and take it" lingering above me. Not to mention that with the new car I can't really afford to go unemployed anymore.
We had a company party this weekend due to a coworkers birthday (well, he's the second boss in our group next to the 'big' one, and he turned 50, otherwise we wouldn't have celebrated so much). Had a longish conversation with my boss about my intentions for work, and surprisingly enough, even he told me I shouldn't remain at this position for too long, since it will take only one or two more years before I'm too old for anything else, and voila, 41 years of security ahead. The 10% chance of maybe being allowed to apply for a job at Vee's company is invigorating from this point of view, but even without it there is a faint thought of maybe quitting mid or end year and looking for something with a bit more of a future. At least then I'd be eligible for unemployment money.




Well, that's this, now I have a post I can link the two people on my Yahoo to that bother about how I am.
Oh, and love you Vee :P
 

07:20 pm: Curse you recession
A  month ago I would have been able to sell my tablet for almost 100 dollar more than I can right now. Bummer.



Also, what I really can't hear anymore is when I tell someone that I have major problems doing even the easiest task, finding myself procrastinating and sitting around until I get to go to bed, just to get "Well, then get up and do something" as response. That's like saying "What, you are unhappy about your drinking habits? Well, then just stop drinking. Unhappy with smoking? Well, then just stop smoking. Unhappy with your life? Well, just stop living."

06:22 am: Work vs Home
When I'm at work, I want to...

clean up my room, change the sheets, do the kitchen, iron the clothing, wash the stuff in the hamper, check out improvements for our home,  go shopping, invite Vee for a dinner, go to the movies, watch one at home, cuddle and talk, play WoW and raid, finish all the other Xbox games, download Penny Arcade Episode two, doodle and draw, chat, write a letter to my parents and grandmother, plan my holidays, check out job opportunities, consider another education, sear for universitys, calculate that possibility, stop being so lazy and complaining,....

When I'm at home,

it's like someone clicked a switch, and I sit there for three hours, not knowing what to do, wasting time until I can go back to bed.



Somewhat depressing.

10:40 pm: For Vee


Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:

messy, depressed, introverted, feels invisible, does not make friends easily, nihilistic, reveals little about self, fragile, dark, bizarre, feels undesirable, dislikes leadership, reclusive, weird, irritable, frequently second guesses self, unassertive, unsympathetic, low self control, observer, worrying, phobic, suspicious, unproductive, avoidant, negative, bad at saving money, emotionally sensitive, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, submissive, daydreamer

06:17 am: Frustration, 2
Get up. Go to work. Get insulted and threatened for eight hours. Come home. Waste time until it feels late enough to be eligible for sleep. Sleep.
Get up. Go to work. Get insulted ...

Right now my life seems to be the same day, over and over and over and over and over. Like Groundhog Day, but without the comedy. I'm not improving in my job, as there is nothing left to improve. I'm not improving a hobby, as there are none left that aren't hidden by layers of frustration and guilt. I'm not learning anything new that would help me get another job. There is no long-time goal for me to work towards to, so right now...I dunno. I'm just some kind of existential blob that just lifes for the sake of lifing. And that's really starting to wear me down.

11:01 pm: Drawing
It's becoming rather easy not to draw nowadays.
Just tell yourself that you want to draw...but honestly, right now you really have to finish that quest first. Just that one. And maybe the next one. How about browsing comics next or watching an episode of whatever with Vee? Get a snack, search for a book. Play some Xbox, the DS. How about drawing now? No, wait. The tablet's still hidden under randomly placed clutter. MIght take some time to dig it up...nah. Already too late in the evening. But tomorrow, you'll certainly draw.
And after a while, that urge dies down to an ocassional twitch. But even they come less often. Yay.

05:34 pm: Death....
Ever since the doctors told my grandmother "Oh, you have leucemia, but you're too old and weak to survive treatment, so...have fun living for a few more weeks or months, depending on how fast you die" in November I've been pondering the subject of death more than it is good for me, I think. Usually it starts when I'm alone on the walk to work or just lieing in bed at 3am, and by the time I arrive at "how does it feel to die...well, you can't feel it, your body shuts down. Which means you wouldn't even realize you die...how does it feel to have your consciousness erased? Oh wait, you..." and so forth, my hands are shaking and I feel like I could throw up with...I don't know. Fear maybe. I find it fascinating how humans can keep living their lifes with the knowledge of utter oblivion at the time of their death, yet somehow wish I was still that 9 year old boy again that knew with every fibre of his body that no matter what happened, his soul would still continue to exist.

On the upside, it makes me want to make the time I spend together with Vee more worthwile. It's all we got on the long run. >_>

06:13 am: Frustration, v2.
Picked up a comission to get a little bit of extra income. Took half a week to work up the courage to tell Vee. Told Vee. Could literally see the smile drop from his face. Dropped comission.

Onwards to Plan Q.    

06:06 am: Frustration.
I think one of the most frustrating things that happened to me recently was stumbling over the 1-year Xbox live gold membership pass that I bought Vee for Valentins Day. It is still unused, seven months after buying it from the last remains of the money I received from my grandmother for my birthday. That day I didn't even get a "thank you" when I handed it over to him (and oh yes, I definitely paid attention this time), instead he thanked Susi (or whatever you do for 20 minutes in the bathroom together) for the flowers she got him when we came home.

All that coming back to me when rummaging through the "meh, maybe later" pile of games back there and finding that card. Now I'm pondering if I should try to sell it back at the next gamestop, or just give it away to the next fur I see that has an Xbox. Only thing I'm sure about is that next year I most certainly won't spend more than 10$ on a bunch of flowers and a hug. Apparently this makes both parties happier than trying to find a gift that lasts for a full year.

11:28 am: Drawing is like roleplaying or sex.
At first it's fun and entertaining, but over the years it starts to get burdened with so much imminent frustration that in the end it's just easier not to do it anymore. Sure, sometimes there's the faint urge left to do something about it, but you learn to ignore it and continue on.

And in the end, your life becomes getting up for work, being there for 8 hours, coming home, playing WoW to waste time until it is socially acceptable to go to bed again. Rinse, repeat, until the remainder of eternity. -.-

Yeah, had a bad night. Sue me, it's my journal. I can "oh woe is me" as often as I like.

03:51 pm: Anger Issue
Recently (as in a few months recently) I'm angry most of the time. It mostly stems from the fact that I'm feeling rather out of control and useless right now, which angers me to quite a degree. At the same time I know being angry about it won't make things better, which in turn makes me even more angry. The fact that I'm angry about being angry just helps fuel that circle, and in the end I find myself angry to a degree that just waits to explode in the face of the first person that is at the wrong place at the wrong time. Which is, in 9.9 out of 10 cases, my mate. Which in turn makes me even more angry since I hate myself for making him suffer like that, he deserves much better. But being the reclusive idiot I am I can't even mange to tell him that.
If there's one thing that will one day ruin my relationship, it's the fact that I'm unable to tell people what I think. Honestly. It pisses me off.

11:48 pm: So, I haven't been drawing in almost 2 months
Or even more, I've stopped counting by now. Problem is: I really would like to doodle something from time to time. Just a random sketch for an idea, or continue with the stuff I've been keeping on my backlog. I just can't do a fucking thing, considering my "personal space" is reduced to a place on this sofa right now, every flat surface in this room is covered with computers and whatnot, and the half hour of privacy I have left a day is rather spent for keeping up with FA and all the other sites and persons I don't want to flaunt in my brothers face. This all just adds to the quickly growing frustration I have with the current situation.
To make matters worse, I know perfectly well that at this state it'll be just more frustrating to actually draw anything, seeing that after such a long break I tend to consider my art even more sucky than usual. On the other hand the situation is like it was with roleplaying. The longer you haven't done it, the smaller the urge gets to do it again someday, so maybe that's something positive. 't be at least another ex-hobby to get rid of.

-MS out.

11:59 pm: I dunno why people complain about my hair....
....I think my new hairdo looks perfect :P



Nah, seriously. I'm not very fond of posting pictures of myself around the net, especially since I have the tendency to show the facial expression of  a druct-addicted disabled person with a stroke, but I thought I'd post something non-emo for once. Not my own hair, of course, Vee and I doing some seasonal work for an online costume shop (It's carnival, so it is in fact main season for them :P ). Sitting there 8 hours a day, unwrapping dresses, masks, wigs, teeth, bling bling, etc. that are either broken or that customers are not happy with (too small, big, tight, tall, wrong fabric, wrong color, looked better on the webpage, etc pp).
...
And of course Vee has his camera at hand when I'm trying out the first wig in weeks. >_> (it was returned for the "horrible hair quality", and honestly, it really looked like a 30cm pile of pubic hair glued together.)

-MS out.

12:00 am: It sometimes really saddens me to see couples I've known for years, who seemed to have a completely normal and stable situation, suddenly break up. It makes me feel somewhat odd that this year will be my 5 year anniversary with Vee, despite our constant fighting and bickering. Yet at the same time it offers at least some stability. Relationships are weird.

Did some serious job hunting today, and it still sucks bull cock. Also having to live in my brothers living room for that drags down the mood as well. Another thing that keeps me staring at the inside of my eyelids at night is the current situation with my back, where I get the daily bandage change at the doctor, and a summed up bill at the end. Not looking forward to that.

Besides that, no new years resolutions and no further planning so far, but as ...someone already said, I rarely seem to plan ahead for more than 2 days :P